Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
