someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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