I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
