I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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