Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
