Im at strip club and am horny
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
