shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
