why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
