I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
