you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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