God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize