Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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