he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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