I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
