I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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