we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
