Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
