Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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