as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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