Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
