come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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