just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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