Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
