when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
