Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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