from now on my penis is your penis
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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