She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize