Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
