The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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