As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
