the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
