Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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