You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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