I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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