seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
