Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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