He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
