BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's never too late to be topless.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
