Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
