I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Randomize
