Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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