My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
