Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
