I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
