Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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