If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
