there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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