This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize