just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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