woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
