i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
