something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
