he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
And then he peed in my hair
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