wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
