I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
