Just cropdusted the office
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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