DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize