Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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