"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
