What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
