So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
