I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
