No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize